In the past twenty something years of my life, everything I am most afraid of have somehow fallen upon my path. It is impressive how often my fate flirts with my worst fears. I have honestly wanted to kill myself more times than I have celebrated Christmas with my family. My original plan when I was younger was to leave where I was living. Let everyone spread all the rumors they want about me. I didn’t say bye to anyone. I want them to feel bitter. My family, friends, schoolmates. Everyone. I did not care about anybody there and I want them to forget me. That way, it would be easy for me to disappear. I’d kill myself and people will find out sooner or later. Maybe a few people would cry and it would deeply hurt them, but everyone moves on. Because she was useless. She was a failure.
That was my plan. That was how much I hated myself and obviously how much I did not appreciate the people I had. I was that damn pathetic. I was too consumed in my depression. There was no more left for me.
It wasn’t until I was 19 when youngest brother asked me if he could write about me in his English class as his hero. When I turned 20 my parents told me I make them proud. My best friend sent me pressed flowers from Paris. A few months after that, my little sister began using makeup for the first time and she started copying my eyeliner. A few financial burdens, two crazy ex girlfriends, a scar of my face, and one extremely dumb tattoo later, I met the girl who would soon change my life for the better. Minh. Last year my brother came out of the closet. I got a good fucking job. I’ve met a bunch of friends over the ~internet~ and yeah.
I’m alive. I’m fucking alive.
How long did it take? It took six years. It took me six long years to tell myself that I am glad I didn’t kill myself. I’m sorry it took me so long, but I’m so glad I am finally able to say it. That I love my life. I still battle with depression. I have come to accept my emotional issues. But damn. That was hard. Can you believe it? Sometimes life just suck so bad you want it all to be over with. You have nothing to lose. And as impossible as it may seems, it gets better. Even if it has to take six years.
I cried in the ice cream aisle today at the supermarket because as I was initially there to pick out an ice cream, I noticed a pound cake they had in the fridge. They were one of my mother’s favorite desserts. I stood there looking at the cake. I couldn’t help it. Minh was in the restroom so I was just standing there by myself and my shopping cart crying for a bit. My mother is sick at home. My thoughts began to crumble down to my toes. I almost couldn’t handle it. But then something in me stiffened up my body like stone. I became numb. I sucked up all my tears. I wiped my face. I grabbed a mint chocolate chip ice cream, Minh shows up at the aisle, I pointed to the pound cake and told her that my mom loves that cake like it’s no big deal, and I walked off to pay.
Why? Because I’ve been wanting to kill myself for so long that nothing else can kill me. If I can save me once, then I can save my mom next.
But I am still really afraid. I’m afraid that I am all talk. I’m afraid that I am just lying to myself. But I guess I just have to fake it till I make it. We all do in life. There I said it.
*Middle finger to everyone including myself*